10 ways how to piss off
your woman

Do you need relationship counseling?

Are the sparks of your relationship slowly becoming dying embers?

My relationship advice to you is try pissing off your mate. Yup, I mean it!

I was in a bitter and nasty mood this week. Everyone I knew was getting on my nerves and I just wanted to hurt them. But my "better half" was in a cheery and chirpy mood. Too darn happy, in my opinion.

I realized this week that, as a couple, my wife and I were getting along a bit TOO well these days. We've been together long enough to work out many of the kinks, so there is little that creates drama and tension in our lives. We get along well. So, we are not one of those couples constantly shopping for relationship counseling.

But there are times when I want a little fun. I want the sparks to fly.

Watching my wife when she's hopping mad is fun, in an oddly satisfying sort of way. So there are times when I intentionally make her crazy. Frankly, I think she's really hot when she's pissed. The prospect of intimacy is a lot more exciting when you know that there's just no way you are going to get anywhere near her, and you have to find a way to win your way back into her arms. If you ever feel that your relationship is missing some spark, and you want to have a little fun, I have a few ideas for you to try before you go off looking for a relationship counselor. Just make sure you don't do anything you can't get her to forgive you for.

Here are 10 Great Ways to Really Piss Off Your Woman (or 10 Great Ways to Avoid a Relationship Counselor):

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Idea 10: Make Her Scream Her Head Off

You need to plan this out carefully. Make sure to choose a night when she is really exhausted and feeling brittle. Be super nice and supportive, so she calmly drifts off to sleep.

Then, go quietly to the next room and get the Horse Head Pillow (that you some how have figured out how to chill so that it feels cold and damp). Lay it down next to her right where you normally sleep. Scamper around to get the fake blood you bought (make absolutely sure it's the washable kind or you are surely dead meat!!) all over the sheets and the floor around the bed. Stand over the bed trying not to giggle too loudly as you watch her sleeping and wait for her to try to cuddle you. Observe carefully as she drifts awake and tries to figure out what is in bed with her. Savor the feeling of anticipation as she opens her eyes.

Voila, you got yourself an instant heart attack! If you don't have your woman screaming hysterically and jumping 10 feet off the bed, your woman is not a normal woman and needs to be institutionalized.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 9: Make Her Stop Talking to Her Friends

If you have a very social woman in your life (and by social, I mean constantly yapping on the phone about someone's breasts looking too big (as if that's even possible) or whether this season's toe nail polish colors are "flattering"), you may be one of those guys who can put an incoming phone call blocking device to really good use.

To ensure that your attempts at sparking up your relationship have the necessary impact, you need think ahead. You will need to set up your honey a few weeks before you actually install the device to adequately play on your honey's insecurities. A few weeks before D-Day, you should casually mention that you think so and so has seemed a bit cold lately and ask if your woman has noticed so and so being a bit distant. Ask her if she has done anything to upset so and so? Then, a few days later, mention that you overheard one of your honey's other friends talking to her husband and saying that she was really annoyed with your woman. Make sure you pick a trait that you actually find annoying about her so that it is a plausible point of annoyance for other people. Then, for about two weeks, any time a few hours goes by without the phone ringing, mention that it sure is quiet around the house when the phone is not constantly ringing. Finally, on D-Day, turn off the incoming calls. (Oh, you need to make sure to turn off her cell phone or accidentally lose it so she can't find it for the days that the house phone is shut off. A quiet weekend will probably work best).

Sit there with an innocent looking face and enjoy the snickers you try to keep to yourself as she starts wondering why no one is calling her. When she sounds particularly worried, remind her that you had heard from so and so that your honey does have a tendency to be...whatever and that she really should change that if she wants to have friends. Watch with unbridled amusement as she gets wackier and wackier as no one calls her for days.

See how long it can go on before she finally figures out what you have done.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This

Idea 8: Call Her Mean Names in Front of Her Friends

For this idea, to work, you should choose a special event that is important to her, like a birthday or an anniversary. Go out of your way to be nice and charming, and make a big show of getting her friends together to celebrate her special day. Make sure to invite the friends who are not really friends but friends that she's always competing with and wanting to impress.  After dinner, make a big show of making a great toast and announcing what a unique person your wife is. Bring out a lavishly gift-wrapped box. Tell everyone that you couldn’t help thinking of your wife immediately when you saw this present and that you are sure that everyone else would agree that this is perfect for her.  Let her open up the beautiful box of B*tch Perfume. And laugh when everyone sees what you got her and act like you think you are the funniest guy on the planet, cuz you are!

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 7: Make Her House Smell Like Crap

Find an excuse to have a bunch of people over your house. Convince your mate to be the "hostess with the most-est." It may be a great idea to get a friendly boss in on the joke so you can really work the joke for all its worth.  If the boss is willing to play along, get your honey to believe that you are up for a big promotion and that a great dinner would be the thing that puts you over the top in getting the promotion.

When the house is sparkling clean and everything is ready, sprinkle Doodoo Drops liberally on something she can't easily move out of the house. Right when the first guests ring the doorbell, ask her if she smells anything weird. As soon as your guests come in, ask jokingly who is bringing in the horrible smell. Then, later, when everyone is fully aware that something in the house really stinks, make a joke loud enough for her to hear that your mate has been having some stomach problems lately and it’s been a challenge to constantly have to clean up after her.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 6: Make Her Feel Like Her Butt is HUGE

For those men out there with women that are paranoid about the size of their butts, this is a fabulous relationship building idea.

If you have the money to actually buy this Big John Extra Big Toilet (with ~200% more seating than a standard round toilet seat and an extra wide reinforced base), the look of horror and dismay on your woman's face when you give her this gift telling her that you really thought she'd be more comfortable now, will be worth every penny, and frankly, it'd be priceless.

If you can't swing the money, and you need the cheap man's version of the Big Butt John, then a couple of brochures laying around the house the next time anyone comes to visit is sure to be a big hit. It will surely delight your lady to try to explain what the Big Butt Toilet brochure is doing in her house.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 5: Make Her Think You Are Cheating

Women are odd. They don't want anything another woman doesn't want. So for many women, there is nothing more attractive or nothing they want more than a man with another woman. (Ladies, you know this is totally true so put your eyeballs back in your head!)

Now, you can put that valuable piece of insight into the female psyche to good use to spice up your marriage. All you need to do to make your mate obsessed about you is to make her think that you are having an affair. You won't have to do much to get her to believe it. Women always think men are on the verge of cheating on them. Just suddenly show more interest in working out than in drinking beer. When she says she's going shopping, eagerly tell her you want to go with her as you think your need to get some nicer threads. Be willing to replace your favorite boxers that say "Drunk and Stupid" from your college days for some new designer briefs. Spend a few nights late "at the office". Make it obvious when you get home that you have drunk your fair share of wine (and smell like our friend's borrowed perfume). Then, as the final topper, slide a brochure from the Alibi Network somewhere where she is absolutely sure to find it while she is snooping around trying to figure out what you are up to. Make sure you put some sort of invisible marker on the brochure so you can tell when she has touched it. You may want to try a small hair or tiny piece of paper (read my stuff and you learn to be a great sneak).

A few days after you are sure she's found the Alibi papers, casually mention that you have to go on a surprise business trip next weekend. Sit back, and watch what it looks like when a woman is fighting for her man! Just imagine the tears of joy she will have when she find out you are still all hers. If she doesn't believe you, well, I don't know how to help you.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 4: Don't Give Her Jewelry

Does your woman love a little sparkle? Is she one of those women that believes that diamonds are really a girl's best friend? Is she one of those types that's always checking out the size of her friends' rocks and commenting to you about how her ring really isn't all that big or how she wants something bigger for her ring? Then, this idea is perfect for you. It will certainly be good enough to give you a few nights in the dog house, especially if she's waiting impatiently for you to get serious in the relationship.

Next time an important date (like your anniversary) is coming up, ask her a series of questions (in a very casual and innocent manner) like: whether she likes gold or platinum better, does she think a one carat ring is too small or just right, etc. Then, on the selected gift giving day, wrap up a nice tool or kitchen appliance up for your mate. After she has opened her present, and she has shown the proper amount of fake delight, tell her excitedly that that is not all! Present her with an exquisitely wrapped box ring box. Tell her how really blessed you feel to have someone who loves you with such devotion. Share with her while tearing up that its been so wonderful to come home everyday to someone who really cares. When she opens up the box and looks really confused, say you did not want the dog to get all jealous so you got a present for the dog too. Look all dumb and proud, like when you took a HUGE dump, as you sneak glances at her face while it turns from a misty-eyed angel to a lunatic in a pure blinding rage.

Needs Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 3: Make Her Feel Like a Piece of Meat

This is a great relationship idea if you are involved with a Femi-nazi that has even the slightest tendency to think that all men are pigs, that all men objectify women and that all men only think of them as sexual objects.

For this idea to work well, you need to prepare your woman by complaining about your sex life for awhile. You need to pretend to not be interested in sex with her (this is the hard part but the payoff is really worth it).

Then, when your honey comes home one night (pick a Friday when she is sure to be exhausted and cranky) look really excited to show her the amazing gift you just got her. Act like you know she's going to really like it and show it to her proudly. Tell her in an excited voice that you think this is perfect for her. Volunteer that since she's been looking heavy lately, you have also signed her up for stripper classes as well and that you know she will enjoy the exercise since she certainly needs it.

In a super earnest and practically desperate manner, confess to her that you have been having problems “rising to the occasion” on a couple of your most recent intimate encounters. Tell her that you have really spent a lot of time thinking about your sex life and that you believe that this will really help you. Whisper to her in a whiney voice that you have been having frequent fantasies of being the pimp to her inner whore. Explain that you debated the idea of her stripping and the idea of swinging with the Bertha and Bert next door, and you decided the stripping was more her.

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 2: Put a Muzzle on Her

 There are some of us blessed with a woman who can talk. Others are even more blessed with woman who can talk and talk and talk. I know that these especially blessed fellows are usually ready to do almost anything for a small bit of quiet.

Rather than just trying to tune her out or wearing ear plugs all the time, what can a man do for some much needed silence and time to think? Yes, you can go running off to the toilet and spend an hour or so there, but what then? You know you have to come out of there. Your butt will be sore from sitting on the hard toilet seat and the bathroom always starts to feel uncomfortably warm when you’ve been sitting there too long.

Well, I think giving her this totally cool face muzzle may subtly get the point across without hurting her feelings that you really want her to shut up. With this on her face, she will find it difficult and perhaps near impossible to forget that you would like her to be quiet once in awhile. I am not sure what is the best way to present your loved one with a muzzle. I leave that to your own creative mind. I personally think the best way is to simply put the muzzle on her while she is sleeping and looked shock when she points it out to you. You can ask in anger, why on earth did you buy a chasity belt for your mouth?

Need Relationship Counseling? Try This:

Idea 1 : Bring a Dead Woman Into Your House

I think this idea is a real keeper!

Basically, all you need to do is order a dead body from a Mexican cadaver company and have it delivered to the house when your mate is not around. (Make sure to designate that you want an attractive FEMALE and emphasize female or they may send you something different. Also, make sure to save the receipt or you may have some explaining to do with the police.)

You will need to do a little bit of advanced planning as you will need to keep the body properly refrigerated until you are ready to use it.

When your mate leaves on that special evening she will always remember, simply take the dead body out of the refrigerator case and put on her whatever clothes you want her to be in (although I personally think naked is probably best).

Position her in your house for maximum impact. You may want her on the bed (although that idea even creeps me out). The floor right next to the bed may be a better idea. Have her face the floor, and position her so that she looks like she was running away from the bed. Go get some fake blood (again, make sure it’s the washable kind as women are crazy about their nice sheets) and pour plenty of it near the body. Go get a kitchen knife and gook it up, along with a little dripping of it on your hands. Then, just wait for your honey to come home to find you sitting on the floor right next to the body. Look up slowly when your loved one arrives, give her a vacant cold stare and say matter of factly, "She was going to tell on me." Ask your mate with a new found intensity "You're not going to tell on me, ARE YOU? ARE YOU?"

Well, now if these ideas don't get your placid relationship some much needed drama, and result in her  paying you more attention than she has in months, I think you need to find yourself a new woman, or get yourself some  serious relationship counseling. Now, that's some real valuable relationship advice I gave you!

Remember one fool's wacky is another fools' cool.

Amused and Bemused

P.S. For all the expected outrage from the fairer sex, please just stuff it.

I will make sure to do a brilliant articles for the women on how to really piss off your man. This way I can be fairly called an equal opportunity jerk.